Day 16
Weight: 233.2lbs
Well thank GOD! I am losing weight again! I am down 5.6lbs in two days!
I did not have a chance to update my blog yesterday because everybody in my house is sick and cranky, especially my son. He didn't want to be away from mommy for one second and that meant no blogging for me! Of course now I am getting sick, so I am sure I will be nice and grumpy too!
Yesterday I received some very intense news about something that I have been waiting to hear for 13 years and it caused me to have a wide range of emotion in a very short period of time. My heart started racing and I was excited, nervous, scared, angry, and anxious all at the same time. Why do I bring this up? I didn't even want to cheat! I did not want to give up at all, it actually re-enforced WHY I am doing all of this in the first place! I guess sometimes you find your motivation in the most unexpected places, and this time it was in a haunting moment from my past.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Compost!
Day 14
Weight: Unknown
I have decided to try as hard as I can to back off of the scale until a few days have gone by and I have lost some weight. I am shooting for Wednesday, but in reality I will probably hop out of bed tomorrow, run to the bathroom, pee and then weigh myself. It is sad, but true!
Okay, so something that I have ran into during my past and now present dance with juice fasts is the feeling of GUILT! I feel so wasteful because I juice SO MANY fruits and vegetables every day and I have pounds of pulp left over. People usually use this leftover pulp to make muffins, pancakes, waffles, cupcakes, cake, ice-cream (fruit pulp),bread, add it into sauces, lasagna, use it as "seasoning", and even blend it up and drink it (which I think defeats the purpose of juicing, by the way), but I can not do any of those things! If I keep it to cook with, I know that I will just end up eating whatever it is that I cooked and I can't risk that! My solution?!
COMPOST BUCKET!
It really is a brilliant solution, if I do say so myself! I live in an apartment building and I do not have a back porch, so my only option is to have a compost bucket on my front porch which means that it had to be small. That is okay though! I went and purchased a 7 gallon bucket with a fancy twist off lid (because I am not even going to pry off a stubborn paint bucket lid every day to throw my compost out!) and hid it out of sight in between my Barbeque and balcony fence. I do not have a garden or even a potted plant for that matter, but I do know people who do have gardens who have agreed to take the compost off of my hands when the bucket gets full, which is about once a week. If there is a week that nobody wants it, I take it to a family members farm and add it to his proper compost pile!
If you are not hip on making a compost bucket, it is easy as one two three!
1) Buy a bucket, storage container, or trash can (all with lids)
2) Drill holes into the bottom of the container and around the sides of the container at 2" intervals to help drain extra moisture and keep air circulating.
3) Fill it up! Egg shells, coffee grounds, fruit and vegetable peels and pulp, tea bags/leaves, and yard and plant clippings (if you have a yard or plants) are all great compost materials!
Adding worms will help your compost break down faster, so if they don't creep you out- throw 'em in! If you place your compost bucket in an area that has dirt or soil, worms will naturally find their way into your bucket (just a heads up)! Place your bucket in an area that will get exposure to sunlight because heat also helps the compost process along! Last but not least: don't forget to mix up the compost to keep it aerated and composting properly!
Weight: Unknown
I have decided to try as hard as I can to back off of the scale until a few days have gone by and I have lost some weight. I am shooting for Wednesday, but in reality I will probably hop out of bed tomorrow, run to the bathroom, pee and then weigh myself. It is sad, but true!
Okay, so something that I have ran into during my past and now present dance with juice fasts is the feeling of GUILT! I feel so wasteful because I juice SO MANY fruits and vegetables every day and I have pounds of pulp left over. People usually use this leftover pulp to make muffins, pancakes, waffles, cupcakes, cake, ice-cream (fruit pulp),bread, add it into sauces, lasagna, use it as "seasoning", and even blend it up and drink it (which I think defeats the purpose of juicing, by the way), but I can not do any of those things! If I keep it to cook with, I know that I will just end up eating whatever it is that I cooked and I can't risk that! My solution?!
COMPOST BUCKET!
It really is a brilliant solution, if I do say so myself! I live in an apartment building and I do not have a back porch, so my only option is to have a compost bucket on my front porch which means that it had to be small. That is okay though! I went and purchased a 7 gallon bucket with a fancy twist off lid (because I am not even going to pry off a stubborn paint bucket lid every day to throw my compost out!) and hid it out of sight in between my Barbeque and balcony fence. I do not have a garden or even a potted plant for that matter, but I do know people who do have gardens who have agreed to take the compost off of my hands when the bucket gets full, which is about once a week. If there is a week that nobody wants it, I take it to a family members farm and add it to his proper compost pile!
If you are not hip on making a compost bucket, it is easy as one two three!
1) Buy a bucket, storage container, or trash can (all with lids)
2) Drill holes into the bottom of the container and around the sides of the container at 2" intervals to help drain extra moisture and keep air circulating.
3) Fill it up! Egg shells, coffee grounds, fruit and vegetable peels and pulp, tea bags/leaves, and yard and plant clippings (if you have a yard or plants) are all great compost materials!
Adding worms will help your compost break down faster, so if they don't creep you out- throw 'em in! If you place your compost bucket in an area that has dirt or soil, worms will naturally find their way into your bucket (just a heads up)! Place your bucket in an area that will get exposure to sunlight because heat also helps the compost process along! Last but not least: don't forget to mix up the compost to keep it aerated and composting properly!
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Subconscious Self Image
Day 13
Weight: 238.8lbs
I have gained 3.4lbs between my cylce and the past two days of eating, but it will come off quickly and I will be happy when it is gone. I am sorry, but I fell off of the juicing wagon for a couple of days. I got pretty pissed off because I was not losing weight and had a "SCREW THIS" moment when I decided that I was going to juice breakfast, lunch and then eat dinner with my family. Of course this turned into juicing breakfast and eating lunch and dinner the next day.
I had a very vivid dream last night. I was standing in front of a mirror skin to the wind and I had lost all of the weight (plus some from the looks of it) and I had a lot of extra saggy skin. I was skinny and healthy, but what is interesting to me is that the image that I had of myself was very realistic. I did not look like I did when I was 16, I had stretch marks, extra skin, my breast were a little less perky than one would like, but I was HAPPY! I know that this will probably sound silly, but for some reason when I think of losing all of this weight, I have always held a picture in my minds eye of a flat tummy, no stretchmarks, slender thighs, and toned arms. I honestly think last night was my subconscious self telling my conscious self what it was REALLY going to be like and to not expect a miracle.
My body is not going to miraculously shrink back to my pre-baby form like an elastic band, instead it is going to say softer, stretchier, and just a little bit more motherly. My hips are not going thin out again (the pelvic bones widen during pregnancy to allow a baby passage through the birth canal, and they stay that way for life!) and my body is not going to perform a breast lift on itself. I have to give my body time to get back where I once was and I will have to work extremely hard to get it there. I know that I will have to exercise to tone my muscles and I might even have to have a tummy tuck to get rid of all this excess skin, but I am okay with that now.
I suggest that anybody who is doing this take a long hard look at what you THINK you will be when this is all over and what you will actually end up being when it is done. That may sound harsh, but I have a feeling that there are a lot more people out there who hold a dreamer's image of what the end result is going to be instead of the realistic image in their mind's eye. This is not meant to be a "downer", but it is the truth and sometimes the truth hurts.
Weight: 238.8lbs
I have gained 3.4lbs between my cylce and the past two days of eating, but it will come off quickly and I will be happy when it is gone. I am sorry, but I fell off of the juicing wagon for a couple of days. I got pretty pissed off because I was not losing weight and had a "SCREW THIS" moment when I decided that I was going to juice breakfast, lunch and then eat dinner with my family. Of course this turned into juicing breakfast and eating lunch and dinner the next day.
I had a very vivid dream last night. I was standing in front of a mirror skin to the wind and I had lost all of the weight (plus some from the looks of it) and I had a lot of extra saggy skin. I was skinny and healthy, but what is interesting to me is that the image that I had of myself was very realistic. I did not look like I did when I was 16, I had stretch marks, extra skin, my breast were a little less perky than one would like, but I was HAPPY! I know that this will probably sound silly, but for some reason when I think of losing all of this weight, I have always held a picture in my minds eye of a flat tummy, no stretchmarks, slender thighs, and toned arms. I honestly think last night was my subconscious self telling my conscious self what it was REALLY going to be like and to not expect a miracle.
My body is not going to miraculously shrink back to my pre-baby form like an elastic band, instead it is going to say softer, stretchier, and just a little bit more motherly. My hips are not going thin out again (the pelvic bones widen during pregnancy to allow a baby passage through the birth canal, and they stay that way for life!) and my body is not going to perform a breast lift on itself. I have to give my body time to get back where I once was and I will have to work extremely hard to get it there. I know that I will have to exercise to tone my muscles and I might even have to have a tummy tuck to get rid of all this excess skin, but I am okay with that now.
I suggest that anybody who is doing this take a long hard look at what you THINK you will be when this is all over and what you will actually end up being when it is done. That may sound harsh, but I have a feeling that there are a lot more people out there who hold a dreamer's image of what the end result is going to be instead of the realistic image in their mind's eye. This is not meant to be a "downer", but it is the truth and sometimes the truth hurts.
Monday, February 25, 2013
My "Why?"
Day 11
Weight: I am trying my hardest to stay away from the scale this week!
It is very hard for me to stay away from the scale, but if I don't weight myself right when I wake up I know that it will skew the numbers and therefore I have been avoiding the scale until after I have my morning glass of water and juice... Maybe this will deter me from weighing in every day this week, because so far I am not liking what I have been seeing.
A fellow blogger of mine asked a question that I don't believe I have answered on here yet and that is "What is your WHY?", by which she meant why am I doing this? What will give me the strength to continue on when I just don't want to go on any longer. I fully intended on answering this question yesterday, and I even wrote out a very long blog on my desire to be able to show off my body and make the people who treated me like garbage when I was a kid think twice, but then I realized that isn't really my "Why?", and I did not post it.
Part one of my "Why" is obvious: I want to get healthy so that I can live a long life and get to know my children, grandchildren and great grandchildren and drive my husband crazy. Part two however is something that nobody can see. It is something that is inside of me that I want to fix.
During and after my pregnancy with my son, I obviously gained a lot of weight. I put on so much weight that my body couldn't handle going through the natural hormone cycle and instead it decided to store up all of the estrogen that my body was releasing. This made my body develop polycystic ovarian syndrome. I stopped having a period for over 18 months (not including the 10 months of pregnancy), and found out that unless I lost weight, I would never start having my cycle again and could never have another baby.
During my first juice fast, I lost enough weight that I started having my menstrual cycle again, but I am not entirely healed. I have not gone to the doctors to check this fact, but I believe that I still have cysts on my ovaries that are preventing me from dropping an egg during my cycle. No egg = no baby. So what is my "Why?": I want to lose enough weight (about 65 more lbs.) to ensure that I do not have cysts on my ovaries and that I can maintain a happy healthy pregnancy. My husband and I have decided that it is time for baby #2 and now the ball is in my court. If I do not lose the weight, I can not have the baby that I do desperately want. That is what I need to remember every time that I want to give in, give up, and stop this fast: My want for another baby in my future is greater than my want for a slice of pizza right this very second in time.
Weight: I am trying my hardest to stay away from the scale this week!
It is very hard for me to stay away from the scale, but if I don't weight myself right when I wake up I know that it will skew the numbers and therefore I have been avoiding the scale until after I have my morning glass of water and juice... Maybe this will deter me from weighing in every day this week, because so far I am not liking what I have been seeing.
A fellow blogger of mine asked a question that I don't believe I have answered on here yet and that is "What is your WHY?", by which she meant why am I doing this? What will give me the strength to continue on when I just don't want to go on any longer. I fully intended on answering this question yesterday, and I even wrote out a very long blog on my desire to be able to show off my body and make the people who treated me like garbage when I was a kid think twice, but then I realized that isn't really my "Why?", and I did not post it.
Part one of my "Why" is obvious: I want to get healthy so that I can live a long life and get to know my children, grandchildren and great grandchildren and drive my husband crazy. Part two however is something that nobody can see. It is something that is inside of me that I want to fix.
During and after my pregnancy with my son, I obviously gained a lot of weight. I put on so much weight that my body couldn't handle going through the natural hormone cycle and instead it decided to store up all of the estrogen that my body was releasing. This made my body develop polycystic ovarian syndrome. I stopped having a period for over 18 months (not including the 10 months of pregnancy), and found out that unless I lost weight, I would never start having my cycle again and could never have another baby.
During my first juice fast, I lost enough weight that I started having my menstrual cycle again, but I am not entirely healed. I have not gone to the doctors to check this fact, but I believe that I still have cysts on my ovaries that are preventing me from dropping an egg during my cycle. No egg = no baby. So what is my "Why?": I want to lose enough weight (about 65 more lbs.) to ensure that I do not have cysts on my ovaries and that I can maintain a happy healthy pregnancy. My husband and I have decided that it is time for baby #2 and now the ball is in my court. If I do not lose the weight, I can not have the baby that I do desperately want. That is what I need to remember every time that I want to give in, give up, and stop this fast: My want for another baby in my future is greater than my want for a slice of pizza right this very second in time.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Cheater, Cheater, Burrito Eater
Day 9
Weight: 236.2
Honesty is the best policy so I have to be honest. I cheated last night.
My very best friend who I never get to see wanted to go out. I planned on meeting her and not eating, but then I decided "What the hell?" and had a beef, bean and cheese burrito. I gained .8lbs but that is a lot less than it could have been and I had a good time with my friend, so it was worth it. I have to admit that I still feel guilty though. I woke up this morning and made a fresh batch of juice and now I am back on the wagon and that is all there is to it.
Believe it or not, I am actually a fairly healthy person. YES I am over weight, but my blood pressure and cholesterol levels are fine, I do not have diabetes, or any other problem that usually lumps itself in with being overweight and I LOVE eating healthy. If you have read my history (Whale Watching (A Brief History)) you know a little bit about how I put my weight ON, but not what happened after that.
My son's birthday is in April and that is when I realized that I weighed 280lbs. I managed to lose about 15lbs over a period of 6 months simply by changing how I was eating. We stopped having dessert every single night, I started using fresh fruits and vegetables a lot more in my cooking, and I watched my portion sizes closely. When I hit the 265 mark, which is where I had been hovering for quite some time before I jumped up to 280lbs, I seemed to hit a permanent plateau. I started maintaining that weight and it didn't seem to matter what I did, the scale would not budge! I ate smaller portions, I cut out soda and sugary treats, and I started an exercise regimen but to no avail. I just stayed right around the same weight, some days a pound or two more, some days a pound or two less. Eventually I gave up again and gained about 10lbs back. That is when I started juicing and the weight just fell off!
Somebody in a forum that I am a part of brought up that sometimes you have to cheat to keep your sanity, and I think that is a valid point. If I feel like I am going insane because I want something and I feel like I might snap on somebody, then maybe I should just eat a little something. I may not lose weight that day, but it isn't like I am throwing this whole thing out of the window. I don't want to end up losing a bunch of weight, but driving myself crazy for wanting food, binge eating when this is all over and gaining a bunch of weight back. That is basically what happened when I tried to lose the old fashioned way. I know that I wouldn't gain it all back, but even gaining 10lbs would make me unhappy.
So what is my point? I do not plan on cheating again. I do not foresee a time when I am going to say "Oh my god, I need a pizza or I will die before these 60 days are over!". I had a moment of weakness last night when my emotions got the best of me and I decided that I was going to eat, and I do not want to do it again. BUT! If I get to a point where I feel like I just can't go on without chewing on something I will eat a piece or two of fruit. I do not want to at any junk food and I most definitely wouldn't eat a full meal, but maybe eating an orange or a few strawberries when I feel like punching somebody would be the better option...
Weight: 236.2
Honesty is the best policy so I have to be honest. I cheated last night.
My very best friend who I never get to see wanted to go out. I planned on meeting her and not eating, but then I decided "What the hell?" and had a beef, bean and cheese burrito. I gained .8lbs but that is a lot less than it could have been and I had a good time with my friend, so it was worth it. I have to admit that I still feel guilty though. I woke up this morning and made a fresh batch of juice and now I am back on the wagon and that is all there is to it.
Believe it or not, I am actually a fairly healthy person. YES I am over weight, but my blood pressure and cholesterol levels are fine, I do not have diabetes, or any other problem that usually lumps itself in with being overweight and I LOVE eating healthy. If you have read my history (Whale Watching (A Brief History)) you know a little bit about how I put my weight ON, but not what happened after that.
My son's birthday is in April and that is when I realized that I weighed 280lbs. I managed to lose about 15lbs over a period of 6 months simply by changing how I was eating. We stopped having dessert every single night, I started using fresh fruits and vegetables a lot more in my cooking, and I watched my portion sizes closely. When I hit the 265 mark, which is where I had been hovering for quite some time before I jumped up to 280lbs, I seemed to hit a permanent plateau. I started maintaining that weight and it didn't seem to matter what I did, the scale would not budge! I ate smaller portions, I cut out soda and sugary treats, and I started an exercise regimen but to no avail. I just stayed right around the same weight, some days a pound or two more, some days a pound or two less. Eventually I gave up again and gained about 10lbs back. That is when I started juicing and the weight just fell off!
Somebody in a forum that I am a part of brought up that sometimes you have to cheat to keep your sanity, and I think that is a valid point. If I feel like I am going insane because I want something and I feel like I might snap on somebody, then maybe I should just eat a little something. I may not lose weight that day, but it isn't like I am throwing this whole thing out of the window. I don't want to end up losing a bunch of weight, but driving myself crazy for wanting food, binge eating when this is all over and gaining a bunch of weight back. That is basically what happened when I tried to lose the old fashioned way. I know that I wouldn't gain it all back, but even gaining 10lbs would make me unhappy.
So what is my point? I do not plan on cheating again. I do not foresee a time when I am going to say "Oh my god, I need a pizza or I will die before these 60 days are over!". I had a moment of weakness last night when my emotions got the best of me and I decided that I was going to eat, and I do not want to do it again. BUT! If I get to a point where I feel like I just can't go on without chewing on something I will eat a piece or two of fruit. I do not want to at any junk food and I most definitely wouldn't eat a full meal, but maybe eating an orange or a few strawberries when I feel like punching somebody would be the better option...
Friday, February 22, 2013
Unhinged
Day 8
Weight: 235.4lbs
Today is day eight and I have officially lost 8.2lbs, so why do I want to punch somebody in the face?
I don't want to bitch or anything, but I am very irritated. I am not hungry, but I am having cravings of everything fried. I have been doing really good with the whole not eating portion of this fast up until today. I was really hoping that my husband would come home from work and demand that I go out to dinner with him, no choice, no option and therefore no guilt on my part. He, of course, did not. But DAMN IT! I want to do it so bad. I can taste it: fried chicken. He said it yesterday and now I want it SO MUCH!
I think part of my problem is that I have not been losing weight like I did on my first two rounds with fasting. I was losing 3lbs a day and it was so rewarding that I didn't want to stop, yet somehow food always won out over my want for weight loss. I have to keep reminding myself that whatever it is that I want will still be there in 52 days. I will be happier with myself when I complete this fast than I would be if I snarfed down a whole chicken right now. By the way, that is exactly what I want to do. De-feather, bread and then fry a whole flippin' chicken and shove it down my gullet in one piece. I would be like a snake unhinging my jaw to let it all in at once.
I have had several people suggest to me that I not weigh myself every day citing several reasons that they apparently think are valid, but I can not do that. It would be worse for me to not weigh in because I would feel like I was getting nowhere and I would have thrown in the towel already. I have to see the number on the scale move or stay the same, but I can not just leave it up to guess work as to how my progress is coming along. It does not mess with my head like some people have said, and it does not make me feel bad because I know that I am working out and juicing and there is no way that I am not losing inches even if I am not losing pounds. I love getting friendly advice, but I wish people would realize that I have done this before and I know what does and does not work for me. When this particular suggestion is made to me I just want to scream. I am not an idiot! I have thought of that before and when I didn't weigh myself I lasted TWO DAYS and then I ate because I said "Fuck it, I am not getting anywhere with this. Why bother?".
I wont give in, I wont give up and eventually (hopefully in 52 days) I will look back on this and think "Silly me for wanting to give in, look how well this all turned out! You are fit and happy again!".
Weight: 235.4lbs
Today is day eight and I have officially lost 8.2lbs, so why do I want to punch somebody in the face?
I don't want to bitch or anything, but I am very irritated. I am not hungry, but I am having cravings of everything fried. I have been doing really good with the whole not eating portion of this fast up until today. I was really hoping that my husband would come home from work and demand that I go out to dinner with him, no choice, no option and therefore no guilt on my part. He, of course, did not. But DAMN IT! I want to do it so bad. I can taste it: fried chicken. He said it yesterday and now I want it SO MUCH!
I think part of my problem is that I have not been losing weight like I did on my first two rounds with fasting. I was losing 3lbs a day and it was so rewarding that I didn't want to stop, yet somehow food always won out over my want for weight loss. I have to keep reminding myself that whatever it is that I want will still be there in 52 days. I will be happier with myself when I complete this fast than I would be if I snarfed down a whole chicken right now. By the way, that is exactly what I want to do. De-feather, bread and then fry a whole flippin' chicken and shove it down my gullet in one piece. I would be like a snake unhinging my jaw to let it all in at once.
I have had several people suggest to me that I not weigh myself every day citing several reasons that they apparently think are valid, but I can not do that. It would be worse for me to not weigh in because I would feel like I was getting nowhere and I would have thrown in the towel already. I have to see the number on the scale move or stay the same, but I can not just leave it up to guess work as to how my progress is coming along. It does not mess with my head like some people have said, and it does not make me feel bad because I know that I am working out and juicing and there is no way that I am not losing inches even if I am not losing pounds. I love getting friendly advice, but I wish people would realize that I have done this before and I know what does and does not work for me. When this particular suggestion is made to me I just want to scream. I am not an idiot! I have thought of that before and when I didn't weigh myself I lasted TWO DAYS and then I ate because I said "Fuck it, I am not getting anywhere with this. Why bother?".
I wont give in, I wont give up and eventually (hopefully in 52 days) I will look back on this and think "Silly me for wanting to give in, look how well this all turned out! You are fit and happy again!".
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Strength Through Weakness
Well it is the end of day 7 of my juice fast and today was a little bit difficult!
Between going shopping with my friend and having that take longer than expected and picking my husband up from work and having to go to the store, I did not end up having sufficient amounts of juice to keep satisfied.
My husband decided that he did not want to cook dinner for himself tonight and asked if we could just grab him some fast food. I said yes, but the first thing he wanted was fried chicken, which made my stomach snarl and writhe like I have not felt in a VERY long time. I was ravenously hungry at this point in time and told him that we were in no way going anywhere near fried chicken or I would blow my fast. He decided on burritos from a fast food joint and I didn't think that was going to be a problem until the food was in the car. I honestly almost turned the car around and ordered food for myself, said screw it and spent the rest of my life being fat and miserable...
Then I realized that the only person that I would be hurting is MYSELF. I am the one who is fat and miserable, I am the one who is uncomfortable in my own skin and only I can do something about it! I reminded myself that if I want it in 53 days, it will still be there and I will be able to make the honest decision about weather I want to have it or to have something that will make me feel good and stay healthy. It was very hard to stay strong and when we got home I drank 1 quart of juice and then another 2 cups shortly after that. I am okay now and I am proud of myself for doing the hard thing and turning down a huge temptation! I feel like if I had a few more moments like this about 2 years ago I would be in a different boat than I am now, and I hope that I can eventually be strong enough to make this good decision all of the time.
I guess in a way you could say that I am finding my strength through my weakness.
Between going shopping with my friend and having that take longer than expected and picking my husband up from work and having to go to the store, I did not end up having sufficient amounts of juice to keep satisfied.
My husband decided that he did not want to cook dinner for himself tonight and asked if we could just grab him some fast food. I said yes, but the first thing he wanted was fried chicken, which made my stomach snarl and writhe like I have not felt in a VERY long time. I was ravenously hungry at this point in time and told him that we were in no way going anywhere near fried chicken or I would blow my fast. He decided on burritos from a fast food joint and I didn't think that was going to be a problem until the food was in the car. I honestly almost turned the car around and ordered food for myself, said screw it and spent the rest of my life being fat and miserable...
Then I realized that the only person that I would be hurting is MYSELF. I am the one who is fat and miserable, I am the one who is uncomfortable in my own skin and only I can do something about it! I reminded myself that if I want it in 53 days, it will still be there and I will be able to make the honest decision about weather I want to have it or to have something that will make me feel good and stay healthy. It was very hard to stay strong and when we got home I drank 1 quart of juice and then another 2 cups shortly after that. I am okay now and I am proud of myself for doing the hard thing and turning down a huge temptation! I feel like if I had a few more moments like this about 2 years ago I would be in a different boat than I am now, and I hope that I can eventually be strong enough to make this good decision all of the time.
I guess in a way you could say that I am finding my strength through my weakness.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Vanity Is A Good Motivator!
Well it is about 5 hours until I will be getting ready to go to bed and I am starting to have some struggles with this fast. I do not feel hungry, or feel the NEED to eat, but I sure WANT to!
My husband is away on a business trip, my brother (who lives with us) is out with a friend, and I am left sitting here with a baby that will not know the difference if I decide to stuff my face, or not. I find it interesting that I have not had any problems sticking to this fast when I have people around me cooking food and eating, but as soon as I am alone my instinct is to go order a pizza and hot wings and have a lonely little pig-out that nobody would ever know about! Of course, I would know, the scale would know, and I am sure that my husband would figure it out eventually, but at the moment that doesn't seem to matter to my brain.
I called my husband and told him that I feel like being a little CHEATER and he reminded me of something very important that I am hoping will carry me through this : If I do this all the way through and I don't screw up I will be back at the weight that I want to be! Of course that is the most appealing idea about this whole fast to me. Yes, I do want to be healthy, for sure, but most of all I want to be drop dead GORGEOUS again. I am going to go drink some more juice and have some "me" time and think about how awesome I will look. Yes, it is vain, but if it keeps me going, then I am just gonna go with it!
My husband is away on a business trip, my brother (who lives with us) is out with a friend, and I am left sitting here with a baby that will not know the difference if I decide to stuff my face, or not. I find it interesting that I have not had any problems sticking to this fast when I have people around me cooking food and eating, but as soon as I am alone my instinct is to go order a pizza and hot wings and have a lonely little pig-out that nobody would ever know about! Of course, I would know, the scale would know, and I am sure that my husband would figure it out eventually, but at the moment that doesn't seem to matter to my brain.
I called my husband and told him that I feel like being a little CHEATER and he reminded me of something very important that I am hoping will carry me through this : If I do this all the way through and I don't screw up I will be back at the weight that I want to be! Of course that is the most appealing idea about this whole fast to me. Yes, I do want to be healthy, for sure, but most of all I want to be drop dead GORGEOUS again. I am going to go drink some more juice and have some "me" time and think about how awesome I will look. Yes, it is vain, but if it keeps me going, then I am just gonna go with it!
Re-animation!
Day 4
Weight: 236.2lbs
7.4lbs down so far and I feel great! I woke up bright and early this morning and went out for a mile long walk, which I know is not that far, but my husband had to be to work early today, so I had to be home to take care of my little monster! I plan on going to the park later today too, but we will see what happens! My asthma is kickin' up again right now, so it might have to wait...
Today I made a juice that is very delicious! I used the rest of my leftover juice from yesterday (kale, cucumbers, apple, watermelon, lemon, orange and spinach) and added some more of all of those ingredients as well as a pineapple and some pears... It is DELICIOUS! I figured it would be, but the juice that I made for yesteray ended up being a little too earthy for my liking because of how much kale I used to make it and I was not sure how adding more of that and every thing else would turn out. Anyways, shifting gears to a new subject now...
I have done another juice fast in the past, and I also blogged about it. When I restarted, I reverted all of my older posts back to drafts.I have taken the time to go through them and re-publish the ones that were worth reading. Again, these posts are from the "failed" fast in between my first successful fast and the one that I am currently on (and am determined to succeed at).
I was contemplating becoming a vegetarian or maybe even a vegan for some of that time, and I wrote a couple of entries to that effect. I have not completely given up on that train of thought, but it is definitely something that I would have to do further research on as far as the cost efficiency for me and my family, as well as weather it is even a realistic goal for us or not. I re-published a post called "Let's Talk Meat" and it does contain graphic information (as the disclaimer in the post suggests), but I am providing a second warning to that just in case anybody would like to go back through and read some of the older posts but would like to skip that one!
Weight: 236.2lbs
7.4lbs down so far and I feel great! I woke up bright and early this morning and went out for a mile long walk, which I know is not that far, but my husband had to be to work early today, so I had to be home to take care of my little monster! I plan on going to the park later today too, but we will see what happens! My asthma is kickin' up again right now, so it might have to wait...
Today I made a juice that is very delicious! I used the rest of my leftover juice from yesterday (kale, cucumbers, apple, watermelon, lemon, orange and spinach) and added some more of all of those ingredients as well as a pineapple and some pears... It is DELICIOUS! I figured it would be, but the juice that I made for yesteray ended up being a little too earthy for my liking because of how much kale I used to make it and I was not sure how adding more of that and every thing else would turn out. Anyways, shifting gears to a new subject now...
I have done another juice fast in the past, and I also blogged about it. When I restarted, I reverted all of my older posts back to drafts.I have taken the time to go through them and re-publish the ones that were worth reading. Again, these posts are from the "failed" fast in between my first successful fast and the one that I am currently on (and am determined to succeed at).
I was contemplating becoming a vegetarian or maybe even a vegan for some of that time, and I wrote a couple of entries to that effect. I have not completely given up on that train of thought, but it is definitely something that I would have to do further research on as far as the cost efficiency for me and my family, as well as weather it is even a realistic goal for us or not. I re-published a post called "Let's Talk Meat" and it does contain graphic information (as the disclaimer in the post suggests), but I am providing a second warning to that just in case anybody would like to go back through and read some of the older posts but would like to skip that one!
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Exercise!
Day 3
Weight: 239lbs
Well I can't complain about my weigh in this morning! I lost 3.2lbs!
I went to sleep last night with the headache from hell, but I woke up nice and early this morning with energy which has not happened to me for quite some time! I was going to sleep at 10 p.m. and waking up at 7a.m. still not feeling rested. Last night I went to sleep at 10p.m. and woke up at 6a.m. and I feel great!
I recognize that I need to start exercising or I will end up as a smaller version of me that still looks pudgy and I will end up with excess skin, which I do not want to happen! My plan is to walk on alternating mornings and workout with a core strengthening video and some weight training on the mornings in between. I am the type of person who gets embarrassed when working out in front of others because my belly jiggles and I am sure that there are other parts of me that are jiggling too. I hope that I don't let that deter me from just getting it done! I know it sounds silly, but I feel like people see me and think "Wow, she works out but is still that fat?". I am almost certain that I am being paranoid, but one never knows!
Weight: 239lbs
Well I can't complain about my weigh in this morning! I lost 3.2lbs!
I went to sleep last night with the headache from hell, but I woke up nice and early this morning with energy which has not happened to me for quite some time! I was going to sleep at 10 p.m. and waking up at 7a.m. still not feeling rested. Last night I went to sleep at 10p.m. and woke up at 6a.m. and I feel great!
I recognize that I need to start exercising or I will end up as a smaller version of me that still looks pudgy and I will end up with excess skin, which I do not want to happen! My plan is to walk on alternating mornings and workout with a core strengthening video and some weight training on the mornings in between. I am the type of person who gets embarrassed when working out in front of others because my belly jiggles and I am sure that there are other parts of me that are jiggling too. I hope that I don't let that deter me from just getting it done! I know it sounds silly, but I feel like people see me and think "Wow, she works out but is still that fat?". I am almost certain that I am being paranoid, but one never knows!
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Party Diversion
Well it is 6:01 p.m. of day two and I have the headache from hell. I had to deal with a very large financial stress today. Let's just say that the extra padding in my bank account that was going to be used to fund this party has been diverted to somebody else' party train...
My husband, who is nothing if not chivalrous, has taken on weekend work on top of his regular week day job specifically to pay for my fast because of this party diversion... He truly is an amazing and selfless man, but I think that he is probably looking forward to having his smokin' hot wife back instead of frumpy wife that he has (gladly) had around for too long (in my opinion).
My husband, who is nothing if not chivalrous, has taken on weekend work on top of his regular week day job specifically to pay for my fast because of this party diversion... He truly is an amazing and selfless man, but I think that he is probably looking forward to having his smokin' hot wife back instead of frumpy wife that he has (gladly) had around for too long (in my opinion).
Sandwiches and Pears
Day 2
Weight: 242.2
Man oh man! Yesterday was a challenge! My husband apparently forgot that I was on a juice fast and called me several times yesterday inquiring about what we are having for dinner, where to go for, dinner and OH YEAH, that he invited a friend over for dinner...
We decided to just grab some sandwiches from my favorite sandwich shop up the road from our house and I told my husband that I would just start my fast tomorrow. As soon as I got off of the phone with him, I realized that I was being stupid. If I postponed my fast by one day I would just keep postponing until I finally give up on the whole idea. So last night I had the wonderful experience of watching my family stuff their faces full of my favorite food while I sipped on my cold juice.
Honestly, I feel very proud of myself for not giving in and snatching somebody's food out of their hands and snarfing it down like the hungry, hungry hippo that I am. I woke up this morning and hopped right on the scale to see that I had lost a little bit of weight. It was not as much as I would like to have lost, but 1.4lbs isn't half bad! I decided to go out for a walk bright and early too, but I could not find my mp3 player, and well... I just can't go without it. I will take my son to the park to run around and play later to make up for it though. I have to tear my house apart to find the missing mp3 player, which I do not look forward to doing but it is a necessary evil in my plot to get fit!
I made a mish-mash juice today that involved a lot of pears (of which I had a lot of extra). I will post the recipe under the recipe section of my blog if you would like to give it a whirl!
Weight: 242.2
Man oh man! Yesterday was a challenge! My husband apparently forgot that I was on a juice fast and called me several times yesterday inquiring about what we are having for dinner, where to go for, dinner and OH YEAH, that he invited a friend over for dinner...
We decided to just grab some sandwiches from my favorite sandwich shop up the road from our house and I told my husband that I would just start my fast tomorrow. As soon as I got off of the phone with him, I realized that I was being stupid. If I postponed my fast by one day I would just keep postponing until I finally give up on the whole idea. So last night I had the wonderful experience of watching my family stuff their faces full of my favorite food while I sipped on my cold juice.
Honestly, I feel very proud of myself for not giving in and snatching somebody's food out of their hands and snarfing it down like the hungry, hungry hippo that I am. I woke up this morning and hopped right on the scale to see that I had lost a little bit of weight. It was not as much as I would like to have lost, but 1.4lbs isn't half bad! I decided to go out for a walk bright and early too, but I could not find my mp3 player, and well... I just can't go without it. I will take my son to the park to run around and play later to make up for it though. I have to tear my house apart to find the missing mp3 player, which I do not look forward to doing but it is a necessary evil in my plot to get fit!
I made a mish-mash juice today that involved a lot of pears (of which I had a lot of extra). I will post the recipe under the recipe section of my blog if you would like to give it a whirl!
Friday, February 15, 2013
Whale Watching (A Brief History)
If you want to take this journey with me, then you ought to know a little bit about the person behind the blog! I am a wife to a wonderful man and the mother of a handsome little boy. I have always had issues with my weight and body image and I don't think that is going to be something that changes. Although I have had an emotional connection to food since I was a young child, I have not always been fat.
I have gone through phases of being too skinny, average, plump, (not in that order) but I have finally landed myself in the world of OBESE. During my pregnancy with my wonderful, handsome little guy I had some unforeseen complications. My husband and I moved in with a couple to help them out financially and as they say: no good deed goes unpunished! They were slovenly people who did not clean up after themselves and did not respect that other people had to live in the house as well. Both my husband and I had two jobs and we were not going to be both the financial providers for these people and the maid service, so we made the decision to go out to eat basically every single night. We were also saving up to get into a new place, sans the garbage pail kids and made the further decision to eat as cheaply as possible which meant fast food.
We ate at all of the usual fast food restaurants and I found out that it is true what they say about eating while pregnant. Every cookie is equal to 10 cookies, so that means that every double cheeseburger is equal to 10 double cheeseburgers as well. By the time we had saved up enough money to move out of the house that we were in and into our own apartment I was 5 months pregnant and 30lbs heavier. I tried to be healthier for the rest of my pregnancy but I found out that I had gestational diabetes which caused a whole new pile of problems. I was put on a special diet (which I followed) but I still gained 20 more pounds! I guess this is a good time to mention that at the start of my pregnancy I was the plumpest that I had ever been, which was a whopping 210lbs, so with all of this weight gain I ended up landing myself at 260lbs.
After I had my son I had dropped back down to 230lbs (a lot of other stuff comes out when you give birth, not just a baby), I struggled to eat healthy while also caring for a new born and I made the horrible mistake of saying "Let's just order a pizza" a few too many times and instead of losing weight while breastfeeding, I managed to GAIN. So I found myself back at 260 (my pre-delivery weight), got extremely depressed, and basically threw in the towel. I felt like I could never ever lose this weight that I have gained and I stopped caring. I went back to the easy regimen of fast food and I even threw in some dessert on top of it to soothe my pain.
I was very self concision and I had a hard time being happy about anything (including my marriage) but the full reality of the situation hit me when I went on vacation to celebrate my son's first birthday and to go see my family. We arrived at our destination and while nobody said anything, I felt like they were staring and thinking "What happened to her?". The last time I had seen these family members, I was 150 lbs, wearing a size 10 and now here I stood, a size 22/24 beluga whale. We enjoyed our vacation and we ate lots of fast food (we were in an area that had several places that my husband had never tried before, and it saves on expenses) and when we got home I decided to weigh myself for the first time in a very long time.
280 lbs.! I could not even believe it. I have heard of people letting themselves go, and I have even seen it myself, but before my pregnancy weight, the heaviest I had ever been was 190lbs. I never in a million years thought that I would be this close to 300 lbs... Not EVER. I already told anybody who would stand still long enough to hear it that I needed to lose weight, but I upped my blabber (while not doing much to actually lose weight) until finally one day a woman had an answer that worked for me.
She is a former co-worker and she mentioned that her dirty little secret is that she used to be a whale too. She is rail thin, has four kids and I thought she was just being nice, until she brought in pictures. She told me to watch a documentary called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead (http://www.fatsickandnearlydead.com/). It changed her life. I resisted for a while, because I am a moron, but I finally watched it and it has changed my life.
I have previously completed a 21 day juice fast and it brought me down to 229 lbs. I gained some back, but that was to be expected because when you eat you fill your intestines back up. I also went back to eating foods that are not so good for me. I tried to do another juice fast, but I picked a rotten time to start (10 days before Christmas) and I did not complete it. I have decided that I should strike when the iron is hot so to speak, and use the extra padding in my bank account to fund a full 60 day re-boot. I hope to hear from people on my journey to lend support, give suggestions, or just to let me know that I am not writing this for no reason at all. Feel free to ask any questions, I will be happy to answer them for you even if I have to do a little research to find you the correct answer! Thank you in advance for your support!
Happy Juicing!
I have gone through phases of being too skinny, average, plump, (not in that order) but I have finally landed myself in the world of OBESE. During my pregnancy with my wonderful, handsome little guy I had some unforeseen complications. My husband and I moved in with a couple to help them out financially and as they say: no good deed goes unpunished! They were slovenly people who did not clean up after themselves and did not respect that other people had to live in the house as well. Both my husband and I had two jobs and we were not going to be both the financial providers for these people and the maid service, so we made the decision to go out to eat basically every single night. We were also saving up to get into a new place, sans the garbage pail kids and made the further decision to eat as cheaply as possible which meant fast food.
We ate at all of the usual fast food restaurants and I found out that it is true what they say about eating while pregnant. Every cookie is equal to 10 cookies, so that means that every double cheeseburger is equal to 10 double cheeseburgers as well. By the time we had saved up enough money to move out of the house that we were in and into our own apartment I was 5 months pregnant and 30lbs heavier. I tried to be healthier for the rest of my pregnancy but I found out that I had gestational diabetes which caused a whole new pile of problems. I was put on a special diet (which I followed) but I still gained 20 more pounds! I guess this is a good time to mention that at the start of my pregnancy I was the plumpest that I had ever been, which was a whopping 210lbs, so with all of this weight gain I ended up landing myself at 260lbs.
After I had my son I had dropped back down to 230lbs (a lot of other stuff comes out when you give birth, not just a baby), I struggled to eat healthy while also caring for a new born and I made the horrible mistake of saying "Let's just order a pizza" a few too many times and instead of losing weight while breastfeeding, I managed to GAIN. So I found myself back at 260 (my pre-delivery weight), got extremely depressed, and basically threw in the towel. I felt like I could never ever lose this weight that I have gained and I stopped caring. I went back to the easy regimen of fast food and I even threw in some dessert on top of it to soothe my pain.
I was very self concision and I had a hard time being happy about anything (including my marriage) but the full reality of the situation hit me when I went on vacation to celebrate my son's first birthday and to go see my family. We arrived at our destination and while nobody said anything, I felt like they were staring and thinking "What happened to her?". The last time I had seen these family members, I was 150 lbs, wearing a size 10 and now here I stood, a size 22/24 beluga whale. We enjoyed our vacation and we ate lots of fast food (we were in an area that had several places that my husband had never tried before, and it saves on expenses) and when we got home I decided to weigh myself for the first time in a very long time.
280 lbs.! I could not even believe it. I have heard of people letting themselves go, and I have even seen it myself, but before my pregnancy weight, the heaviest I had ever been was 190lbs. I never in a million years thought that I would be this close to 300 lbs... Not EVER. I already told anybody who would stand still long enough to hear it that I needed to lose weight, but I upped my blabber (while not doing much to actually lose weight) until finally one day a woman had an answer that worked for me.
She is a former co-worker and she mentioned that her dirty little secret is that she used to be a whale too. She is rail thin, has four kids and I thought she was just being nice, until she brought in pictures. She told me to watch a documentary called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead (http://www.fatsickandnearlydead.com/). It changed her life. I resisted for a while, because I am a moron, but I finally watched it and it has changed my life.
I have previously completed a 21 day juice fast and it brought me down to 229 lbs. I gained some back, but that was to be expected because when you eat you fill your intestines back up. I also went back to eating foods that are not so good for me. I tried to do another juice fast, but I picked a rotten time to start (10 days before Christmas) and I did not complete it. I have decided that I should strike when the iron is hot so to speak, and use the extra padding in my bank account to fund a full 60 day re-boot. I hope to hear from people on my journey to lend support, give suggestions, or just to let me know that I am not writing this for no reason at all. Feel free to ask any questions, I will be happy to answer them for you even if I have to do a little research to find you the correct answer! Thank you in advance for your support!
Happy Juicing!
Day One
Day 1
Weight 243.6
Well I went to sleep last night with the best intention of waking up at 6:30 a.m. and going out for a 30-45 minute walk to kick off this juice fast with, but 6:30 a.m. came and then it went and I did not go out for a walk. Lucky for me we have been having extremely nice weather in my part of Oregon and I am thinking of taking my son to the park to play later which will make up for not waking up and walking on this lovely morning.
I prepared some juice the day before yesterday and I still have a little bit left, so I am going to finish it off and then make some Green Drink to have for the rest of the day. I will probably make a new entry tonight just to give an update, but this morning I am feeling great. I am very excited to do this fast and I hope that it goes much better this time around!
Weight 243.6
Well I went to sleep last night with the best intention of waking up at 6:30 a.m. and going out for a 30-45 minute walk to kick off this juice fast with, but 6:30 a.m. came and then it went and I did not go out for a walk. Lucky for me we have been having extremely nice weather in my part of Oregon and I am thinking of taking my son to the park to play later which will make up for not waking up and walking on this lovely morning.
I prepared some juice the day before yesterday and I still have a little bit left, so I am going to finish it off and then make some Green Drink to have for the rest of the day. I will probably make a new entry tonight just to give an update, but this morning I am feeling great. I am very excited to do this fast and I hope that it goes much better this time around!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Time To Be A Selfish Bitch
Every night I ask my husband what he wants for dinner and every night he tells me that he doesn't know. Nothing sounds good. We have whatever we want, whenever we want it. Meat is a must at every meal and dessert is not saved for a special occasion. I think that when you are asking what somebody wants for DESSERT and they aren't interested in anything because they have had it all so much, but they are still sure that they want something- it is time to re-evaluate your habits.
I woke up this morning and decided that I wanted an omelet. Two eggs, onion, tomato, zucchini, mushrooms, a slice of cheese, salsa, sour cream and a glass of milk to wash it down. By the way, that is a mere 600 calories, just in case you were wondering. My son was ready for his snack shortly after that, so I went back into the kitchen and noticed that there was a King Size package of Reese's Peanut-butter Cups on the counter that nobody had claimed... Well what the hell, why not? I ate one and it didn't really taste that good to me, but I figured that if I had made it this far I might as well polish them off. After devouring the fat filled candy, I decided to read the packaging. 400 calories, 200 calories from fat. So, it is before 10 a.m. and I have had 1000 of my recommended 1200 calories a day. Oops.
So what, other than I am obviously a fat-ass, is my point? I have become a spoiled little brat. I had a successful juice fast and lost 40lbs, tried another one and threw in the towel siting various reasons (none of which were completely valid), and a month later I have found myself right back in my old habits. Miraculously I have only gained 6lbs, but I also recognize that a) 6lbs of weight gain in a month is crazy, and b) that number will keep increasing if I don't change something soon.
The last attempt at a fast left me pissed off for the most part. I was trying to save money and therefore I was not juicing the right way. I was trying to get by with drinking 2 quarts of juice a day with water to fill in the hunger gaps and I realize that as a human being, I need more than that to stay healthy while fasting. I ended up angry, hungry, weak, resentful towards my family for eating, and had the constant urge to cheat (which I did a lot of). I have decided to give this one more go, but the right way this time.
I am not going to try and cheap out this time. I am going to spend the time and money on this fast that I deserve. Tax season is a pretty damn good time to do this because everybody ends ups with a little extra change in their pocket. I will use mine to fund this fast. Usually I get some crazy gift for my husband, or we go on a vacation but this time I am going to be a selfish bitch and splurge to get myself healthy again! Valentines day is in a couple of days, and I already have a hot date so I will wait until Friday February 15th to run headlong into this, but I feel good about doing it this time around.
I woke up this morning and decided that I wanted an omelet. Two eggs, onion, tomato, zucchini, mushrooms, a slice of cheese, salsa, sour cream and a glass of milk to wash it down. By the way, that is a mere 600 calories, just in case you were wondering. My son was ready for his snack shortly after that, so I went back into the kitchen and noticed that there was a King Size package of Reese's Peanut-butter Cups on the counter that nobody had claimed... Well what the hell, why not? I ate one and it didn't really taste that good to me, but I figured that if I had made it this far I might as well polish them off. After devouring the fat filled candy, I decided to read the packaging. 400 calories, 200 calories from fat. So, it is before 10 a.m. and I have had 1000 of my recommended 1200 calories a day. Oops.
So what, other than I am obviously a fat-ass, is my point? I have become a spoiled little brat. I had a successful juice fast and lost 40lbs, tried another one and threw in the towel siting various reasons (none of which were completely valid), and a month later I have found myself right back in my old habits. Miraculously I have only gained 6lbs, but I also recognize that a) 6lbs of weight gain in a month is crazy, and b) that number will keep increasing if I don't change something soon.
The last attempt at a fast left me pissed off for the most part. I was trying to save money and therefore I was not juicing the right way. I was trying to get by with drinking 2 quarts of juice a day with water to fill in the hunger gaps and I realize that as a human being, I need more than that to stay healthy while fasting. I ended up angry, hungry, weak, resentful towards my family for eating, and had the constant urge to cheat (which I did a lot of). I have decided to give this one more go, but the right way this time.
I am not going to try and cheap out this time. I am going to spend the time and money on this fast that I deserve. Tax season is a pretty damn good time to do this because everybody ends ups with a little extra change in their pocket. I will use mine to fund this fast. Usually I get some crazy gift for my husband, or we go on a vacation but this time I am going to be a selfish bitch and splurge to get myself healthy again! Valentines day is in a couple of days, and I already have a hot date so I will wait until Friday February 15th to run headlong into this, but I feel good about doing it this time around.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
The History Of My Addiction
I would like to take a moment to talk about my addiction. I know that it might sound silly to some people, but I have a serious addiction to food. When I feel sad, stressed, angry, irritated, or any other negative emotion that I could possibly have I feel like I need to comfort myself with food. Last night I found myself in an uncomfortable emotional situation and the whole time that I was confronting this situation all I could think of was all of the foods that I would like to be eating. I thought about throwing in the towel and saying "Screw it, I want to eat and I am going to eat!" but then I realized that again, I would only be hurting myself, not anybody else. Even long after I had dealt with the situation, I still was feeling unhappy and I was still fantasizing (seriously) about all of the delicious unhealthy foods that I wanted to eat. I do not use the term fantasizing lightly either. I was thinking in great detail about the foods that I wanted to consume, and how they would make me feel, what they would taste like and even went so far as to visualize myself eating these foods to feel happy again. If you wouldn't call that an addiction, then you don't know what addiction is.
I started thinking about why it was that I have such an emotional bond with food. Why is it that when I have feelings, even happy feelings sometimes, the first thing that pops into my head is FOOD? I thought back to my childhood and what my relationship with food was then... The images that came up for me were disturbing to say the least.
I remembered when I was in Kindergarten and I didn't have many friends, but the friends that I did have always had these beautifully packed home made lunches that mom or dad made with love, and I remember being extremely jealous of these people. Jealous because they had somebody who would pack them a lunch, who cared enough to do it, but also because they always had the "good foods" like Ho-hos Dingdongs and Twinkies, real Capri-Suns and other delicious treasures. I remember wanting so badly to be able to have those things and when I came home from school I would eat as many sweets as I could find... But why? To heal my hurt from being a loner, to fill my need to be the same as these other kids?
I remember very specifically that after my father passed away when I was a child, I started eating substantially more. We moved in with my mother on the complete other side of the state that we were living in. I became and instant loner again. My clothes didn't fit right, and were not weather appropriate, I was awkward and upset because of my loss and I lacked the social skills to make friends in the first place.
Anything sweet, or salty was something that I would not deny. My mother would go to the store and get the industrial sized boxes of cheese-its, crackers, chips, cookies, cream cheese, lunch meats, etc. These foods were meant specifically to be for our school lunches. I would wake up in the morning and pack my lunch, but as soon as I got on the school bus I would start snacking on whatever it was that I had packed... I would get to school and by the time that lunch came, I didn't have anything left to eat and if I did, it was something that I didn't want. A fruit cup maybe, or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. By the time that I came home in the evening I would feel like I was starving. My mother was always trying to lose weight and I remember her having Slim-fast in the fridge, which I would snag two or three of and guzzle. Then I would get 3 cups of cheese its and the cream cheese out and have myself a "snack". Of course, I would eat dinner an hour or two later... LOTS of dinner. All of this food that I consumed became my friend. It was my comfort when nobody else wanted me.
Of course, as I ate and ate, I grew and expanded. Eventually I weighted 165lbs and I was only 4' something... I wore a size 18 and I was still a pre-teen. Boys though I was disgusting, and girls were embarrassed to be my friend, unless I was helping them with school projects, of course! I had low self-esteem and I hated who I had become. Unfortunately, food was still my best friend. I guess looking back on it now, I should have seem it coming, but I developed an eating disorder anyways.
It started over the summer before my Sophomore year in High School. I requested that my mother buy me a flat of vegetable juice, and that is all that I would allow myself to have most of the time. I would walk several miles into the small town that I lived in every day to hang out with a few people who had accepted me as a "friend". I did not eat unless somebody noticed that I hadn't had anything all day, and even then I would buy something and insist that everybody share it! If I couldn't fool somebody, I would eat a few pieces of cheese and some carrots siting the excuse that I had plans with somebody to eat "soon" and I didn't want to fill up. I went from a size 18 to a size 9 in a month, found a boyfriend, and then my mother moved dropped the bomb on me that she was moving me to another state because she found a better job there.
I started a new school and felt that if I wanted to keep up my appearance and have a shot at being accepted that I needed to keep up with my lack on nutrition. It worked. The first day at my new school, I made several new friends and got lots of looks from boys, which was a completely new experience. I would keep three cans of vegetable juice with me in my back pack and would only drink one if I started getting dizzy and seeing black spots in my vision. Eventually I started eating little bits here and there at school. Maybe a few fries or a sandwich, but I would eat barely anything at home. I had formed a new relationship with food: an extreme hatred. Even after I graduated from high school early I kept up with my body image by walking everywhere that I went. I kept my motivation up because I had a boyfriend who said that I should never weigh more than he did. Eventually that ended due to the loss of my first child, and my realization that this guy was not a good person at all.
That is when I flopped back to where I am now. Food became my source of comfort, and love again. I ate to fill the void of my loss and to improve my feelings of self worth after so many years of being told by myself and other people that I just wasn't good enough... I met my husband and we have a wonderful little boy now, but my relationship with food has stayed the same. I love it, worship it, need it to feel safe and comfortable. I look to it to fill my aching heart when I feel sorrow.
I hope that after this juice fast I can find the balance that I have always been lacking when it comes to food. I want to be able to not feel that I need to eat to be happy. I want to find an inner balance that allows me to know that I am going to be okay after all.
I started thinking about why it was that I have such an emotional bond with food. Why is it that when I have feelings, even happy feelings sometimes, the first thing that pops into my head is FOOD? I thought back to my childhood and what my relationship with food was then... The images that came up for me were disturbing to say the least.
I remembered when I was in Kindergarten and I didn't have many friends, but the friends that I did have always had these beautifully packed home made lunches that mom or dad made with love, and I remember being extremely jealous of these people. Jealous because they had somebody who would pack them a lunch, who cared enough to do it, but also because they always had the "good foods" like Ho-hos Dingdongs and Twinkies, real Capri-Suns and other delicious treasures. I remember wanting so badly to be able to have those things and when I came home from school I would eat as many sweets as I could find... But why? To heal my hurt from being a loner, to fill my need to be the same as these other kids?
I remember very specifically that after my father passed away when I was a child, I started eating substantially more. We moved in with my mother on the complete other side of the state that we were living in. I became and instant loner again. My clothes didn't fit right, and were not weather appropriate, I was awkward and upset because of my loss and I lacked the social skills to make friends in the first place.
Anything sweet, or salty was something that I would not deny. My mother would go to the store and get the industrial sized boxes of cheese-its, crackers, chips, cookies, cream cheese, lunch meats, etc. These foods were meant specifically to be for our school lunches. I would wake up in the morning and pack my lunch, but as soon as I got on the school bus I would start snacking on whatever it was that I had packed... I would get to school and by the time that lunch came, I didn't have anything left to eat and if I did, it was something that I didn't want. A fruit cup maybe, or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. By the time that I came home in the evening I would feel like I was starving. My mother was always trying to lose weight and I remember her having Slim-fast in the fridge, which I would snag two or three of and guzzle. Then I would get 3 cups of cheese its and the cream cheese out and have myself a "snack". Of course, I would eat dinner an hour or two later... LOTS of dinner. All of this food that I consumed became my friend. It was my comfort when nobody else wanted me.
Of course, as I ate and ate, I grew and expanded. Eventually I weighted 165lbs and I was only 4' something... I wore a size 18 and I was still a pre-teen. Boys though I was disgusting, and girls were embarrassed to be my friend, unless I was helping them with school projects, of course! I had low self-esteem and I hated who I had become. Unfortunately, food was still my best friend. I guess looking back on it now, I should have seem it coming, but I developed an eating disorder anyways.
It started over the summer before my Sophomore year in High School. I requested that my mother buy me a flat of vegetable juice, and that is all that I would allow myself to have most of the time. I would walk several miles into the small town that I lived in every day to hang out with a few people who had accepted me as a "friend". I did not eat unless somebody noticed that I hadn't had anything all day, and even then I would buy something and insist that everybody share it! If I couldn't fool somebody, I would eat a few pieces of cheese and some carrots siting the excuse that I had plans with somebody to eat "soon" and I didn't want to fill up. I went from a size 18 to a size 9 in a month, found a boyfriend, and then my mother moved dropped the bomb on me that she was moving me to another state because she found a better job there.
I started a new school and felt that if I wanted to keep up my appearance and have a shot at being accepted that I needed to keep up with my lack on nutrition. It worked. The first day at my new school, I made several new friends and got lots of looks from boys, which was a completely new experience. I would keep three cans of vegetable juice with me in my back pack and would only drink one if I started getting dizzy and seeing black spots in my vision. Eventually I started eating little bits here and there at school. Maybe a few fries or a sandwich, but I would eat barely anything at home. I had formed a new relationship with food: an extreme hatred. Even after I graduated from high school early I kept up with my body image by walking everywhere that I went. I kept my motivation up because I had a boyfriend who said that I should never weigh more than he did. Eventually that ended due to the loss of my first child, and my realization that this guy was not a good person at all.
That is when I flopped back to where I am now. Food became my source of comfort, and love again. I ate to fill the void of my loss and to improve my feelings of self worth after so many years of being told by myself and other people that I just wasn't good enough... I met my husband and we have a wonderful little boy now, but my relationship with food has stayed the same. I love it, worship it, need it to feel safe and comfortable. I look to it to fill my aching heart when I feel sorrow.
I hope that after this juice fast I can find the balance that I have always been lacking when it comes to food. I want to be able to not feel that I need to eat to be happy. I want to find an inner balance that allows me to know that I am going to be okay after all.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
The Food War
Day 15
Sorry my posts have not been up to date recently... I have had a few family matters to take care of and not enough time to do every thing that I would like to because of it, but I am back now!
I have spent most of my morning searching for vegan recipes. It has been a journey, let me tell you! Most of these recipes call for foods that I have never even heard of, or they have you use SO MANY ingredients just to make ONE substitute ingredient. It makes me wonder: Is it worth the trouble?
I have to look at it from the environmentalist angle, just like vegans look at the meat industry. If I have to buy 10 ingredients to make fake cheese that all have separate packaging, then why don't I just go out and buy a package of cheese that originally came from a cow, and then was packaged in ONE plastic container...Should I spend $30 on 10 separate ingredients to get 3oz of fake cheese that has made such a huge carbon footprint to get here that I might as well have just bought the cow? Also, I have heard (and I will research this further) that soy is not actually all that good for you... Most of the vegan community relies on soy for cheese substitutes, meat substitutes, milk substitutes, and egg substitutes...
Think about it... I understand that the treatment of animals on feedlots is horrible, but at the same time you have to look at the other side of the coin too. There are farms out there where people treat their animals as humanely as possible and then YES they kill them for food, but at least they lived a good life first!
I am still looking into the Vegan/Vegetarian lifestyle, don't get me wrong. I have to say that there are defiantly pros and cons to both sides of the food war.... I guess we will see what side I land on, or if it will be somewhere in the middle...
When I was in middle school I did an experiment with flowers. I planted them from the same seed packet at the same time on the same day with the same amount of soil from the same bag and let them sprout. After they had sprouted I put them in separate rooms that had the same amount of daylight exposure and played classical music in one room and rock music in the other... The flowers in the room with classical music actually grew bigger, faster and towards the speakers. The flowers in the room with the rock music grew away from the speakers and did not grow nearly as big... My point? It is obvious that plants are living creatures too, and we eat them anyways. If we had qualms about eating anything that could possibly have life in it, then all we would eat would be rocks and dirt!
Sorry my posts have not been up to date recently... I have had a few family matters to take care of and not enough time to do every thing that I would like to because of it, but I am back now!
I have spent most of my morning searching for vegan recipes. It has been a journey, let me tell you! Most of these recipes call for foods that I have never even heard of, or they have you use SO MANY ingredients just to make ONE substitute ingredient. It makes me wonder: Is it worth the trouble?
I have to look at it from the environmentalist angle, just like vegans look at the meat industry. If I have to buy 10 ingredients to make fake cheese that all have separate packaging, then why don't I just go out and buy a package of cheese that originally came from a cow, and then was packaged in ONE plastic container...Should I spend $30 on 10 separate ingredients to get 3oz of fake cheese that has made such a huge carbon footprint to get here that I might as well have just bought the cow? Also, I have heard (and I will research this further) that soy is not actually all that good for you... Most of the vegan community relies on soy for cheese substitutes, meat substitutes, milk substitutes, and egg substitutes...
Think about it... I understand that the treatment of animals on feedlots is horrible, but at the same time you have to look at the other side of the coin too. There are farms out there where people treat their animals as humanely as possible and then YES they kill them for food, but at least they lived a good life first!
I am still looking into the Vegan/Vegetarian lifestyle, don't get me wrong. I have to say that there are defiantly pros and cons to both sides of the food war.... I guess we will see what side I land on, or if it will be somewhere in the middle...
When I was in middle school I did an experiment with flowers. I planted them from the same seed packet at the same time on the same day with the same amount of soil from the same bag and let them sprout. After they had sprouted I put them in separate rooms that had the same amount of daylight exposure and played classical music in one room and rock music in the other... The flowers in the room with classical music actually grew bigger, faster and towards the speakers. The flowers in the room with the rock music grew away from the speakers and did not grow nearly as big... My point? It is obvious that plants are living creatures too, and we eat them anyways. If we had qualms about eating anything that could possibly have life in it, then all we would eat would be rocks and dirt!
Friday, January 4, 2013
Temptation Is A Cold Hearted Bitch...
Day 10
Well today has been high stress and low juice intake which is equal to massive food cravings and lots of temptation!
I spent most of the morning out grocery shopping and taking care of other errands. I only drank 1/2 quart of juice before I left the house and I was okay until I came home at around 2 o'clock, when I had more juice... Then my husband came home for a late lunch before he left for a weekend business trip that he is taking and it started me on an emotional path. I love my husband very much and I always miss him a lot when he is away, and then I realized that I was going to be home all alone (with my son, of course) and the first thing that my mind jumped to was:
What can I eat? Nobody will be home and nobody has to know!
I thought about all the options... Pizza, which is one of my favorites, came to mind, then some fried chicken, or maybe Mexican food? Oh, but what about those golden arches? Or one of my other favorites: Del Taco! I could hit up the BK Lounge, 'cause I haven't been there in FOREVER, and a big juicy burger sounds FANTASTIC!
Then I realized that I was being STUPID! Why was I all of a sudden wanting food? I thought about it and realized that nobody would be hurt by me eating but me. My husband wouldn't say anything, my son would not know... So why eat tonight and punish myself for it tomorrow?
I hate to admit that I kind of gave in though! I got up and made a sandwich, a REAL sandwich... I fried up some turkey meat, sliced up onions, tomatoes, cheese, and added some spinach, ranch dressing and grilled it up, cut it in half took about three bites and then threw it away and drank my juice.
My point? Sometimes you will give in to temptation, but you have to be stronger than that cold hearted mistress and bitch slap her down!
Well today has been high stress and low juice intake which is equal to massive food cravings and lots of temptation!
I spent most of the morning out grocery shopping and taking care of other errands. I only drank 1/2 quart of juice before I left the house and I was okay until I came home at around 2 o'clock, when I had more juice... Then my husband came home for a late lunch before he left for a weekend business trip that he is taking and it started me on an emotional path. I love my husband very much and I always miss him a lot when he is away, and then I realized that I was going to be home all alone (with my son, of course) and the first thing that my mind jumped to was:
What can I eat? Nobody will be home and nobody has to know!
I thought about all the options... Pizza, which is one of my favorites, came to mind, then some fried chicken, or maybe Mexican food? Oh, but what about those golden arches? Or one of my other favorites: Del Taco! I could hit up the BK Lounge, 'cause I haven't been there in FOREVER, and a big juicy burger sounds FANTASTIC!
Then I realized that I was being STUPID! Why was I all of a sudden wanting food? I thought about it and realized that nobody would be hurt by me eating but me. My husband wouldn't say anything, my son would not know... So why eat tonight and punish myself for it tomorrow?
I hate to admit that I kind of gave in though! I got up and made a sandwich, a REAL sandwich... I fried up some turkey meat, sliced up onions, tomatoes, cheese, and added some spinach, ranch dressing and grilled it up, cut it in half took about three bites and then threw it away and drank my juice.
My point? Sometimes you will give in to temptation, but you have to be stronger than that cold hearted mistress and bitch slap her down!
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Don't Give Up, Learn From It!
Day 9
Well this morning I was still feeling discouraged about my lack of weight loss, so I stepped on the scale and I have lost 3lbs since yesterday which makes me feel 100% better!
I would just like to take a moment to say that this is a CHALLENGE! Nobody walks into a juice fast and has absolutely no problems at all. You will feel tired, irritable, probably have a headache for a few days, and you will want to EAT! If you have an addiction to food, you are an emotional eater, have an eating disorder, or have any other number of food related issues, then you are going to have a few bumps in the road!
DO NOT GIVE UP!
During my very first juice fast I jumped right in and I had a lot of motivation. My friends told me that if I tried juicing for weight loss/ health improvement that they would BOTH quit smoking and one of them even juiced with me for support. Even then- I cheated. There were days when I got home that I said "I will just have a handful of crackers. That is okay, because it isn't going to impede my weight loss." and usually it didn't, but then it turned into me saying one night "Well, I am just going to eat with my family for tonight, nobody has to know." Even after that, and not loosing weight for 3 days I did not give up. Yes, I did feel a sense of shame for giving in to something so silly, especially when right after I realized that I could have had a piece of fruit if I REALLY needed to eat (which I didn't). I made the decision to just get back on the horse and ride on...
Trying to start and stick with this juice fast has been no picnic either! I have had SEVERAL false starts. I started once and then noticed that my no-brand juicer was not producing as much juice as it used to. When I looked at the blade, it was broken. No start. I ordered a new juicer from Breville and when it arrived..... I tried once to start and then got sick and decided that (this is stupid, by the way) I needed to eat "solid food" to get better. I started another time and then my son got sick and it was just "easier" to continue eating (again, a ridiculous excuse). Another three starts and stops have been dedicated to the recent holidays...
I realized that there has to be some deeper meaning behind my need to stuff my face and I have decided to look into it. I purchased a small journal that I can take with me in my purse and every time that I have the desire to eat, I write down what is going on at that moment, even if I am out in public. I have a 100% honesty pact with myself about this journal... I have to be 100% completely honest with myself when I write in it and sometimes it hurts... Sometimes it is just because I am a human and I had a desire. Other times it is because I am in a location that provokes a painful memory, or something has happened that hurt my feelings, stirred up an unpleasant feeling, I feel insecure or any number of other things... If I have the urge to just give up, I write it out. I have been trying to find the reasons that I have this relationship with food and eating instead of just juicing and then hoping that I lose weight and get magically better. I realize that it doesn't work that way. If you do not find out what is causing the problem, you can't fix it! If you are reading this and you have an emotional response to food in ANY way, you should try this. I have learned so much about what TRULY triggers me to want to eat, or not eat, during the past week alone. I plan on using this information and knowledge to help keep myself in check in the future.
I know that it is easy to give in to temptation, I have done it several times in my life, but I also know that you CAN resist. Since I have started this journal, I have been able to juice and not give in to my temptations because I have been owning the real reasons behind them. Even if you do give in to temptation and eat that burger, don't throw it all away! Learn from it! If you "cheat" don't say that you are done for the whole day, or throw in the towel all together. You can always get back on track. Take these experiences and learn about yourself...
These are the questions that I ask myself when I want the real truth:
Am I really hungry, or am I just having an emotional reaction?
Is my physical location causing this?
What has happened today that made me feel mad/sad/emotional?
Why do I think that I need this food item?
What comfort would it give me?
How would I really feel after consuming this?
Do I want to feel like that?
Is it worth it?
Well this morning I was still feeling discouraged about my lack of weight loss, so I stepped on the scale and I have lost 3lbs since yesterday which makes me feel 100% better!
I would just like to take a moment to say that this is a CHALLENGE! Nobody walks into a juice fast and has absolutely no problems at all. You will feel tired, irritable, probably have a headache for a few days, and you will want to EAT! If you have an addiction to food, you are an emotional eater, have an eating disorder, or have any other number of food related issues, then you are going to have a few bumps in the road!
DO NOT GIVE UP!
During my very first juice fast I jumped right in and I had a lot of motivation. My friends told me that if I tried juicing for weight loss/ health improvement that they would BOTH quit smoking and one of them even juiced with me for support. Even then- I cheated. There were days when I got home that I said "I will just have a handful of crackers. That is okay, because it isn't going to impede my weight loss." and usually it didn't, but then it turned into me saying one night "Well, I am just going to eat with my family for tonight, nobody has to know." Even after that, and not loosing weight for 3 days I did not give up. Yes, I did feel a sense of shame for giving in to something so silly, especially when right after I realized that I could have had a piece of fruit if I REALLY needed to eat (which I didn't). I made the decision to just get back on the horse and ride on...
Trying to start and stick with this juice fast has been no picnic either! I have had SEVERAL false starts. I started once and then noticed that my no-brand juicer was not producing as much juice as it used to. When I looked at the blade, it was broken. No start. I ordered a new juicer from Breville and when it arrived..... I tried once to start and then got sick and decided that (this is stupid, by the way) I needed to eat "solid food" to get better. I started another time and then my son got sick and it was just "easier" to continue eating (again, a ridiculous excuse). Another three starts and stops have been dedicated to the recent holidays...
I realized that there has to be some deeper meaning behind my need to stuff my face and I have decided to look into it. I purchased a small journal that I can take with me in my purse and every time that I have the desire to eat, I write down what is going on at that moment, even if I am out in public. I have a 100% honesty pact with myself about this journal... I have to be 100% completely honest with myself when I write in it and sometimes it hurts... Sometimes it is just because I am a human and I had a desire. Other times it is because I am in a location that provokes a painful memory, or something has happened that hurt my feelings, stirred up an unpleasant feeling, I feel insecure or any number of other things... If I have the urge to just give up, I write it out. I have been trying to find the reasons that I have this relationship with food and eating instead of just juicing and then hoping that I lose weight and get magically better. I realize that it doesn't work that way. If you do not find out what is causing the problem, you can't fix it! If you are reading this and you have an emotional response to food in ANY way, you should try this. I have learned so much about what TRULY triggers me to want to eat, or not eat, during the past week alone. I plan on using this information and knowledge to help keep myself in check in the future.
I know that it is easy to give in to temptation, I have done it several times in my life, but I also know that you CAN resist. Since I have started this journal, I have been able to juice and not give in to my temptations because I have been owning the real reasons behind them. Even if you do give in to temptation and eat that burger, don't throw it all away! Learn from it! If you "cheat" don't say that you are done for the whole day, or throw in the towel all together. You can always get back on track. Take these experiences and learn about yourself...
These are the questions that I ask myself when I want the real truth:
Am I really hungry, or am I just having an emotional reaction?
Is my physical location causing this?
What has happened today that made me feel mad/sad/emotional?
Why do I think that I need this food item?
What comfort would it give me?
How would I really feel after consuming this?
Do I want to feel like that?
Is it worth it?
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Honey Do!
Day 7
The juice of the day is called Honey Do! It is pretty darn tasty too!
I am feeling really good today. My food cravings have stopped for the most part, of course if you wave a slice of pizza in my face I will want pizza, but if it is not near me, I don't want it! My energy level seems to have increased and I noticed this morning that my hair has a new shine to it.. I have always had a battle with my hair because it is so curly (think Charab curls) and I have always had a very high stress level so it is always falling out. My hair is also very long- I can almost sit on it... I have notice that it is not falling out nearly as much and it seems lighter, which I assume is because it is not being bogged down by grease from my scalp now! My acne break out is almost completely cleared up, but I have very oily skin normally so I will always have a spot here or there that is not perfect...
I have also made the interesting observation that my MOOD has improved greatly as well. I was having very negative thoughts about my physical appearance before I started this and so I had doom and gloom thoughts all of the time. I always let thoughts like "You wont make it" and "This isn't going to work" roll around in my head. I have noticed that recently my attitude has turned around, almost as if the nutrients I am putting into my body is a natural mood enhancer... I have been thinking things like "I am so happy to be doing this" and "I feel so energized". I am so happy to have made it back to this point where I feel great on the inside again because it gives me more motivation to look fabulous on the outside too!
The juice of the day is called Honey Do! It is pretty darn tasty too!
I am feeling really good today. My food cravings have stopped for the most part, of course if you wave a slice of pizza in my face I will want pizza, but if it is not near me, I don't want it! My energy level seems to have increased and I noticed this morning that my hair has a new shine to it.. I have always had a battle with my hair because it is so curly (think Charab curls) and I have always had a very high stress level so it is always falling out. My hair is also very long- I can almost sit on it... I have notice that it is not falling out nearly as much and it seems lighter, which I assume is because it is not being bogged down by grease from my scalp now! My acne break out is almost completely cleared up, but I have very oily skin normally so I will always have a spot here or there that is not perfect...
I have also made the interesting observation that my MOOD has improved greatly as well. I was having very negative thoughts about my physical appearance before I started this and so I had doom and gloom thoughts all of the time. I always let thoughts like "You wont make it" and "This isn't going to work" roll around in my head. I have noticed that recently my attitude has turned around, almost as if the nutrients I am putting into my body is a natural mood enhancer... I have been thinking things like "I am so happy to be doing this" and "I feel so energized". I am so happy to have made it back to this point where I feel great on the inside again because it gives me more motivation to look fabulous on the outside too!
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