I would like to take a moment to talk about my addiction. I know that it might sound silly to some people, but I have a serious addiction to food. When I feel sad, stressed, angry, irritated, or any other negative emotion that I could possibly have I feel like I need to comfort myself with food. Last night I found myself in an uncomfortable emotional situation and the whole time that I was confronting this situation all I could think of was all of the foods that I would like to be eating. I thought about throwing in the towel and saying "Screw it, I want to eat and I am going to eat!" but then I realized that again, I would only be hurting myself, not anybody else. Even long after I had dealt with the situation, I still was feeling unhappy and I was still fantasizing (seriously) about all of the delicious unhealthy foods that I wanted to eat. I do not use the term fantasizing lightly either. I was thinking in great detail about the foods that I wanted to consume, and how they would make me feel, what they would taste like and even went so far as to visualize myself eating these foods to feel happy again. If you wouldn't call that an addiction, then you don't know what addiction is.
I started thinking about why it was that I have such an emotional bond with food. Why is it that when I have feelings, even happy feelings sometimes, the first thing that pops into my head is FOOD? I thought back to my childhood and what my relationship with food was then... The images that came up for me were disturbing to say the least.
I remembered when I was in Kindergarten and I didn't have many friends, but the friends that I did have always had these beautifully packed home made lunches that mom or dad made with love, and I remember being extremely jealous of these people. Jealous because they had somebody who would pack them a lunch, who cared enough to do it, but also because they always had the "good foods" like Ho-hos Dingdongs and Twinkies, real Capri-Suns and other delicious treasures. I remember wanting so badly to be able to have those things and when I came home from school I would eat as many sweets as I could find... But why? To heal my hurt from being a loner, to fill my need to be the same as these other kids?
I remember very specifically that after my father passed away when I was a child, I started eating substantially more. We moved in with my mother on the complete other side of the state that we were living in. I became and instant loner again. My clothes didn't fit right, and were not weather appropriate, I was awkward and upset because of my loss and I lacked the social skills to make friends in the first place.
Anything sweet, or salty was something that I would not deny. My mother would go to the store and get the industrial sized boxes of cheese-its, crackers, chips, cookies, cream cheese, lunch meats, etc. These foods were meant specifically to be for our school lunches. I would wake up in the morning and pack my lunch, but as soon as I got on the school bus I would start snacking on whatever it was that I had packed... I would get to school and by the time that lunch came, I didn't have anything left to eat and if I did, it was something that I didn't want. A fruit cup maybe, or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. By the time that I came home in the evening I would feel like I was starving. My mother was always trying to lose weight and I remember her having Slim-fast in the fridge, which I would snag two or three of and guzzle. Then I would get 3 cups of cheese its and the cream cheese out and have myself a "snack". Of course, I would eat dinner an hour or two later... LOTS of dinner. All of this food that I consumed became my friend. It was my comfort when nobody else wanted me.
Of course, as I ate and ate, I grew and expanded. Eventually I weighted 165lbs and I was only 4' something... I wore a size 18 and I was still a pre-teen. Boys though I was disgusting, and girls were embarrassed to be my friend, unless I was helping them with school projects, of course! I had low self-esteem and I hated who I had become. Unfortunately, food was still my best friend. I guess looking back on it now, I should have seem it coming, but I developed an eating disorder anyways.
It started over the summer before my Sophomore year in High School. I requested that my mother buy me a flat of vegetable juice, and that is all that I would allow myself to have most of the time. I would walk several miles into the small town that I lived in every day to hang out with a few people who had accepted me as a "friend". I did not eat unless somebody noticed that I hadn't had anything all day, and even then I would buy something and insist that everybody share it! If I couldn't fool somebody, I would eat a few pieces of cheese and some carrots siting the excuse that I had plans with somebody to eat "soon" and I didn't want to fill up. I went from a size 18 to a size 9 in a month, found a boyfriend, and then my mother moved dropped the bomb on me that she was moving me to another state because she found a better job there.
I started a new school and felt that if I wanted to keep up my appearance and have a shot at being accepted that I needed to keep up with my lack on nutrition. It worked. The first day at my new school, I made several new friends and got lots of looks from boys, which was a completely new experience. I would keep three cans of vegetable juice with me in my back pack and would only drink one if I started getting dizzy and seeing black spots in my vision. Eventually I started eating little bits here and there at school. Maybe a few fries or a sandwich, but I would eat barely anything at home. I had formed a new relationship with food: an extreme hatred. Even after I graduated from high school early I kept up with my body image by walking everywhere that I went. I kept my motivation up because I had a boyfriend who said that I should never weigh more than he did. Eventually that ended due to the loss of my first child, and my realization that this guy was not a good person at all.
That is when I flopped back to where I am now. Food became my source of comfort, and love again. I ate to fill the void of my loss and to improve my feelings of self worth after so many years of being told by myself and other people that I just wasn't good enough... I met my husband and we have a wonderful little boy now, but my relationship with food has stayed the same. I love it, worship it, need it to feel safe and comfortable. I look to it to fill my aching heart when I feel sorrow.
I hope that after this juice fast I can find the balance that I have always been lacking when it comes to food. I want to be able to not feel that I need to eat to be happy. I want to find an inner balance that allows me to know that I am going to be okay after all.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
The Food War
Day 15
Sorry my posts have not been up to date recently... I have had a few family matters to take care of and not enough time to do every thing that I would like to because of it, but I am back now!
I have spent most of my morning searching for vegan recipes. It has been a journey, let me tell you! Most of these recipes call for foods that I have never even heard of, or they have you use SO MANY ingredients just to make ONE substitute ingredient. It makes me wonder: Is it worth the trouble?
I have to look at it from the environmentalist angle, just like vegans look at the meat industry. If I have to buy 10 ingredients to make fake cheese that all have separate packaging, then why don't I just go out and buy a package of cheese that originally came from a cow, and then was packaged in ONE plastic container...Should I spend $30 on 10 separate ingredients to get 3oz of fake cheese that has made such a huge carbon footprint to get here that I might as well have just bought the cow? Also, I have heard (and I will research this further) that soy is not actually all that good for you... Most of the vegan community relies on soy for cheese substitutes, meat substitutes, milk substitutes, and egg substitutes...
Think about it... I understand that the treatment of animals on feedlots is horrible, but at the same time you have to look at the other side of the coin too. There are farms out there where people treat their animals as humanely as possible and then YES they kill them for food, but at least they lived a good life first!
I am still looking into the Vegan/Vegetarian lifestyle, don't get me wrong. I have to say that there are defiantly pros and cons to both sides of the food war.... I guess we will see what side I land on, or if it will be somewhere in the middle...
When I was in middle school I did an experiment with flowers. I planted them from the same seed packet at the same time on the same day with the same amount of soil from the same bag and let them sprout. After they had sprouted I put them in separate rooms that had the same amount of daylight exposure and played classical music in one room and rock music in the other... The flowers in the room with classical music actually grew bigger, faster and towards the speakers. The flowers in the room with the rock music grew away from the speakers and did not grow nearly as big... My point? It is obvious that plants are living creatures too, and we eat them anyways. If we had qualms about eating anything that could possibly have life in it, then all we would eat would be rocks and dirt!
Sorry my posts have not been up to date recently... I have had a few family matters to take care of and not enough time to do every thing that I would like to because of it, but I am back now!
I have spent most of my morning searching for vegan recipes. It has been a journey, let me tell you! Most of these recipes call for foods that I have never even heard of, or they have you use SO MANY ingredients just to make ONE substitute ingredient. It makes me wonder: Is it worth the trouble?
I have to look at it from the environmentalist angle, just like vegans look at the meat industry. If I have to buy 10 ingredients to make fake cheese that all have separate packaging, then why don't I just go out and buy a package of cheese that originally came from a cow, and then was packaged in ONE plastic container...Should I spend $30 on 10 separate ingredients to get 3oz of fake cheese that has made such a huge carbon footprint to get here that I might as well have just bought the cow? Also, I have heard (and I will research this further) that soy is not actually all that good for you... Most of the vegan community relies on soy for cheese substitutes, meat substitutes, milk substitutes, and egg substitutes...
Think about it... I understand that the treatment of animals on feedlots is horrible, but at the same time you have to look at the other side of the coin too. There are farms out there where people treat their animals as humanely as possible and then YES they kill them for food, but at least they lived a good life first!
I am still looking into the Vegan/Vegetarian lifestyle, don't get me wrong. I have to say that there are defiantly pros and cons to both sides of the food war.... I guess we will see what side I land on, or if it will be somewhere in the middle...
When I was in middle school I did an experiment with flowers. I planted them from the same seed packet at the same time on the same day with the same amount of soil from the same bag and let them sprout. After they had sprouted I put them in separate rooms that had the same amount of daylight exposure and played classical music in one room and rock music in the other... The flowers in the room with classical music actually grew bigger, faster and towards the speakers. The flowers in the room with the rock music grew away from the speakers and did not grow nearly as big... My point? It is obvious that plants are living creatures too, and we eat them anyways. If we had qualms about eating anything that could possibly have life in it, then all we would eat would be rocks and dirt!
Friday, January 4, 2013
Temptation Is A Cold Hearted Bitch...
Day 10
Well today has been high stress and low juice intake which is equal to massive food cravings and lots of temptation!
I spent most of the morning out grocery shopping and taking care of other errands. I only drank 1/2 quart of juice before I left the house and I was okay until I came home at around 2 o'clock, when I had more juice... Then my husband came home for a late lunch before he left for a weekend business trip that he is taking and it started me on an emotional path. I love my husband very much and I always miss him a lot when he is away, and then I realized that I was going to be home all alone (with my son, of course) and the first thing that my mind jumped to was:
What can I eat? Nobody will be home and nobody has to know!
I thought about all the options... Pizza, which is one of my favorites, came to mind, then some fried chicken, or maybe Mexican food? Oh, but what about those golden arches? Or one of my other favorites: Del Taco! I could hit up the BK Lounge, 'cause I haven't been there in FOREVER, and a big juicy burger sounds FANTASTIC!
Then I realized that I was being STUPID! Why was I all of a sudden wanting food? I thought about it and realized that nobody would be hurt by me eating but me. My husband wouldn't say anything, my son would not know... So why eat tonight and punish myself for it tomorrow?
I hate to admit that I kind of gave in though! I got up and made a sandwich, a REAL sandwich... I fried up some turkey meat, sliced up onions, tomatoes, cheese, and added some spinach, ranch dressing and grilled it up, cut it in half took about three bites and then threw it away and drank my juice.
My point? Sometimes you will give in to temptation, but you have to be stronger than that cold hearted mistress and bitch slap her down!
Well today has been high stress and low juice intake which is equal to massive food cravings and lots of temptation!
I spent most of the morning out grocery shopping and taking care of other errands. I only drank 1/2 quart of juice before I left the house and I was okay until I came home at around 2 o'clock, when I had more juice... Then my husband came home for a late lunch before he left for a weekend business trip that he is taking and it started me on an emotional path. I love my husband very much and I always miss him a lot when he is away, and then I realized that I was going to be home all alone (with my son, of course) and the first thing that my mind jumped to was:
What can I eat? Nobody will be home and nobody has to know!
I thought about all the options... Pizza, which is one of my favorites, came to mind, then some fried chicken, or maybe Mexican food? Oh, but what about those golden arches? Or one of my other favorites: Del Taco! I could hit up the BK Lounge, 'cause I haven't been there in FOREVER, and a big juicy burger sounds FANTASTIC!
Then I realized that I was being STUPID! Why was I all of a sudden wanting food? I thought about it and realized that nobody would be hurt by me eating but me. My husband wouldn't say anything, my son would not know... So why eat tonight and punish myself for it tomorrow?
I hate to admit that I kind of gave in though! I got up and made a sandwich, a REAL sandwich... I fried up some turkey meat, sliced up onions, tomatoes, cheese, and added some spinach, ranch dressing and grilled it up, cut it in half took about three bites and then threw it away and drank my juice.
My point? Sometimes you will give in to temptation, but you have to be stronger than that cold hearted mistress and bitch slap her down!
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Don't Give Up, Learn From It!
Day 9
Well this morning I was still feeling discouraged about my lack of weight loss, so I stepped on the scale and I have lost 3lbs since yesterday which makes me feel 100% better!
I would just like to take a moment to say that this is a CHALLENGE! Nobody walks into a juice fast and has absolutely no problems at all. You will feel tired, irritable, probably have a headache for a few days, and you will want to EAT! If you have an addiction to food, you are an emotional eater, have an eating disorder, or have any other number of food related issues, then you are going to have a few bumps in the road!
DO NOT GIVE UP!
During my very first juice fast I jumped right in and I had a lot of motivation. My friends told me that if I tried juicing for weight loss/ health improvement that they would BOTH quit smoking and one of them even juiced with me for support. Even then- I cheated. There were days when I got home that I said "I will just have a handful of crackers. That is okay, because it isn't going to impede my weight loss." and usually it didn't, but then it turned into me saying one night "Well, I am just going to eat with my family for tonight, nobody has to know." Even after that, and not loosing weight for 3 days I did not give up. Yes, I did feel a sense of shame for giving in to something so silly, especially when right after I realized that I could have had a piece of fruit if I REALLY needed to eat (which I didn't). I made the decision to just get back on the horse and ride on...
Trying to start and stick with this juice fast has been no picnic either! I have had SEVERAL false starts. I started once and then noticed that my no-brand juicer was not producing as much juice as it used to. When I looked at the blade, it was broken. No start. I ordered a new juicer from Breville and when it arrived..... I tried once to start and then got sick and decided that (this is stupid, by the way) I needed to eat "solid food" to get better. I started another time and then my son got sick and it was just "easier" to continue eating (again, a ridiculous excuse). Another three starts and stops have been dedicated to the recent holidays...
I realized that there has to be some deeper meaning behind my need to stuff my face and I have decided to look into it. I purchased a small journal that I can take with me in my purse and every time that I have the desire to eat, I write down what is going on at that moment, even if I am out in public. I have a 100% honesty pact with myself about this journal... I have to be 100% completely honest with myself when I write in it and sometimes it hurts... Sometimes it is just because I am a human and I had a desire. Other times it is because I am in a location that provokes a painful memory, or something has happened that hurt my feelings, stirred up an unpleasant feeling, I feel insecure or any number of other things... If I have the urge to just give up, I write it out. I have been trying to find the reasons that I have this relationship with food and eating instead of just juicing and then hoping that I lose weight and get magically better. I realize that it doesn't work that way. If you do not find out what is causing the problem, you can't fix it! If you are reading this and you have an emotional response to food in ANY way, you should try this. I have learned so much about what TRULY triggers me to want to eat, or not eat, during the past week alone. I plan on using this information and knowledge to help keep myself in check in the future.
I know that it is easy to give in to temptation, I have done it several times in my life, but I also know that you CAN resist. Since I have started this journal, I have been able to juice and not give in to my temptations because I have been owning the real reasons behind them. Even if you do give in to temptation and eat that burger, don't throw it all away! Learn from it! If you "cheat" don't say that you are done for the whole day, or throw in the towel all together. You can always get back on track. Take these experiences and learn about yourself...
These are the questions that I ask myself when I want the real truth:
Am I really hungry, or am I just having an emotional reaction?
Is my physical location causing this?
What has happened today that made me feel mad/sad/emotional?
Why do I think that I need this food item?
What comfort would it give me?
How would I really feel after consuming this?
Do I want to feel like that?
Is it worth it?
Well this morning I was still feeling discouraged about my lack of weight loss, so I stepped on the scale and I have lost 3lbs since yesterday which makes me feel 100% better!
I would just like to take a moment to say that this is a CHALLENGE! Nobody walks into a juice fast and has absolutely no problems at all. You will feel tired, irritable, probably have a headache for a few days, and you will want to EAT! If you have an addiction to food, you are an emotional eater, have an eating disorder, or have any other number of food related issues, then you are going to have a few bumps in the road!
DO NOT GIVE UP!
During my very first juice fast I jumped right in and I had a lot of motivation. My friends told me that if I tried juicing for weight loss/ health improvement that they would BOTH quit smoking and one of them even juiced with me for support. Even then- I cheated. There were days when I got home that I said "I will just have a handful of crackers. That is okay, because it isn't going to impede my weight loss." and usually it didn't, but then it turned into me saying one night "Well, I am just going to eat with my family for tonight, nobody has to know." Even after that, and not loosing weight for 3 days I did not give up. Yes, I did feel a sense of shame for giving in to something so silly, especially when right after I realized that I could have had a piece of fruit if I REALLY needed to eat (which I didn't). I made the decision to just get back on the horse and ride on...
Trying to start and stick with this juice fast has been no picnic either! I have had SEVERAL false starts. I started once and then noticed that my no-brand juicer was not producing as much juice as it used to. When I looked at the blade, it was broken. No start. I ordered a new juicer from Breville and when it arrived..... I tried once to start and then got sick and decided that (this is stupid, by the way) I needed to eat "solid food" to get better. I started another time and then my son got sick and it was just "easier" to continue eating (again, a ridiculous excuse). Another three starts and stops have been dedicated to the recent holidays...
I realized that there has to be some deeper meaning behind my need to stuff my face and I have decided to look into it. I purchased a small journal that I can take with me in my purse and every time that I have the desire to eat, I write down what is going on at that moment, even if I am out in public. I have a 100% honesty pact with myself about this journal... I have to be 100% completely honest with myself when I write in it and sometimes it hurts... Sometimes it is just because I am a human and I had a desire. Other times it is because I am in a location that provokes a painful memory, or something has happened that hurt my feelings, stirred up an unpleasant feeling, I feel insecure or any number of other things... If I have the urge to just give up, I write it out. I have been trying to find the reasons that I have this relationship with food and eating instead of just juicing and then hoping that I lose weight and get magically better. I realize that it doesn't work that way. If you do not find out what is causing the problem, you can't fix it! If you are reading this and you have an emotional response to food in ANY way, you should try this. I have learned so much about what TRULY triggers me to want to eat, or not eat, during the past week alone. I plan on using this information and knowledge to help keep myself in check in the future.
I know that it is easy to give in to temptation, I have done it several times in my life, but I also know that you CAN resist. Since I have started this journal, I have been able to juice and not give in to my temptations because I have been owning the real reasons behind them. Even if you do give in to temptation and eat that burger, don't throw it all away! Learn from it! If you "cheat" don't say that you are done for the whole day, or throw in the towel all together. You can always get back on track. Take these experiences and learn about yourself...
These are the questions that I ask myself when I want the real truth:
Am I really hungry, or am I just having an emotional reaction?
Is my physical location causing this?
What has happened today that made me feel mad/sad/emotional?
Why do I think that I need this food item?
What comfort would it give me?
How would I really feel after consuming this?
Do I want to feel like that?
Is it worth it?
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Honey Do!
Day 7
The juice of the day is called Honey Do! It is pretty darn tasty too!
I am feeling really good today. My food cravings have stopped for the most part, of course if you wave a slice of pizza in my face I will want pizza, but if it is not near me, I don't want it! My energy level seems to have increased and I noticed this morning that my hair has a new shine to it.. I have always had a battle with my hair because it is so curly (think Charab curls) and I have always had a very high stress level so it is always falling out. My hair is also very long- I can almost sit on it... I have notice that it is not falling out nearly as much and it seems lighter, which I assume is because it is not being bogged down by grease from my scalp now! My acne break out is almost completely cleared up, but I have very oily skin normally so I will always have a spot here or there that is not perfect...
I have also made the interesting observation that my MOOD has improved greatly as well. I was having very negative thoughts about my physical appearance before I started this and so I had doom and gloom thoughts all of the time. I always let thoughts like "You wont make it" and "This isn't going to work" roll around in my head. I have noticed that recently my attitude has turned around, almost as if the nutrients I am putting into my body is a natural mood enhancer... I have been thinking things like "I am so happy to be doing this" and "I feel so energized". I am so happy to have made it back to this point where I feel great on the inside again because it gives me more motivation to look fabulous on the outside too!
The juice of the day is called Honey Do! It is pretty darn tasty too!
I am feeling really good today. My food cravings have stopped for the most part, of course if you wave a slice of pizza in my face I will want pizza, but if it is not near me, I don't want it! My energy level seems to have increased and I noticed this morning that my hair has a new shine to it.. I have always had a battle with my hair because it is so curly (think Charab curls) and I have always had a very high stress level so it is always falling out. My hair is also very long- I can almost sit on it... I have notice that it is not falling out nearly as much and it seems lighter, which I assume is because it is not being bogged down by grease from my scalp now! My acne break out is almost completely cleared up, but I have very oily skin normally so I will always have a spot here or there that is not perfect...
I have also made the interesting observation that my MOOD has improved greatly as well. I was having very negative thoughts about my physical appearance before I started this and so I had doom and gloom thoughts all of the time. I always let thoughts like "You wont make it" and "This isn't going to work" roll around in my head. I have noticed that recently my attitude has turned around, almost as if the nutrients I am putting into my body is a natural mood enhancer... I have been thinking things like "I am so happy to be doing this" and "I feel so energized". I am so happy to have made it back to this point where I feel great on the inside again because it gives me more motivation to look fabulous on the outside too!
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